My pointy thing is better than your pointy thing
by strangertrack
Summary: Squalo and Bel argue about whose weapon is bigger. I mean, better.


I love the dysfunctional dynamics of the Varia... they're the powerful crazies that still has better teamwork than any other group because their goals are the same (like Schwarz :D).

**My pointy thing is better than your pointy thing**

"Kill~ Kill~ The Prince likes to kill~" Bel was singing his special killing song. Very off-key.

Sometimes, Squalo thought that 'Varia quality' meant certifiably insane. They were all kickass assassins who didn't _need_ to latch onto a megalomaniac to advance in the world. One who called them trash and led them to their dooms, not just once, but twice now, and then tried to kill for failing.

Maybe they were just masochists.

"The Prince slashes once~ He slashes again~ Down goes stupid Squalo in a river of blood~"

"Vooii! You want to start something?"

"Your existence displeases me," Bel stated importantly, as if he expected Squalo to go throw himself off the balcony to rectify the mistake.

"Well your face displeases me," Squalo retorted as he pointed his sword at the resident tensai. "Want me to help you with that?"

Bel shook his head disdainfully. "How vulgar. Whipping out your sword and waving it around at every opportunity."

"Oh?" Squalo inquired slyly. "Is the prince jealous because my weapon is bigger than his puny weapons?"

"Bigger isn't better, stuuuupid. It's how you use it that counts. Charging in like a drunken bull and swinging blindly... killing indiscriminately with no finesse... where's the elegance in that?"

"Fuck elegance. Killing is killing. It doesn't matter as long as the job gets done."

Bel rolled his eyes, an action that went unseen behind his curtain of hair. "Commoner," he accused. "Killing isn't only about you. Killing involves two parties, the predator and the prey. The hunt before is just as important as the actual act. The fright in their eyes when I bring out my weapon, running in futility so that I can chase after them, their delicious screams when I finally nail them to the wall. You have to build up the intimacy, ride through the crescendo, and then it's sweet, sweet music when you finally reach the climax~"

Bel clutched at the side of his head and grinned in pure ecstasy. "Ahhhh~ so good~"

Squalo wasn't about to admit it, but that little speech freaked the hell out of him. He hoped he was never at the receiving end of Bel's administrations.

"Spoken like a true assassin. There's no one better suited to the Varia than Bel," Mammon interjected thoughtfully, pricking Squalo's pride.

"Of course a carpet-munching brat would say that," Squalo sneered. "You're too much of a baby to appreciate a fine sword like mine, a _real_ man's weapon. Come back after you outgrow your tentacle-play and maybe I'll let you experience a few rounds."

"Shishishi. Mammon knows better than to go near your sword. Your sword looks diseased and rotted from too much killing, unlike my pretty knives."

Bel took out his favorite knife, the one he'd stabbed his brother with, and kissed the gleaming blade. "I polish them for an hour every single day," he announced proudly.

"Mou~ you guys~! I think Bel-chan's knives and Squalo's sword are both lovely. I wouldn't mind getting stabbed with either one~!" Lussuria tried to make peace.

"Shut up, Lussuria. You don't even _have_ a weapon," Squalo mocked. "Much less a sharp, pointy one."

Lussuria looked sad at the comment, but really, what could he say? It was true... he didn't have a pointy thing to poke people with. And no one seemed to want to poke him with _their_ pointy things, even though he kept offering.

"Voooiii, Levi. It looks like we're the only two with real weapons instead of toys." Squalo laughed arrogantly in Bel and Mammon's faces.

"Um." Levi looked uncomfortable being dragged into the conversation, even more so than the time when Squalo had barged in on him wanking off in front of his Xanxus shrine.

"Levi's parabolas are just as crude as yours," Bel taunted. "Just like an old man to take forever to charge, then releasing all at once."

"Hey!" Levi protested. That was a low blow. It wasn't _his_ fault that he had the thunder nature, that he had to be the rod that accepted all damage. Oh to be young and energetic, and attack, attack, attack with no need to rest.

Squalo narrowed his eyes. He didn't give a shit about Levi, but Bel was begging for a smackdown. "If you're looking to die, today's your lucky day. I've seen hundreds of techniques and conquered them all."

"Didn't you get owned by that baseball brat? Or maybe you like being dominated? Shishishi. What a sickening hobby."

"Watch your mouth, _princess_, or you might find yourself rotting in pieces at the bottom of the ocean."

Bel waved a hand and a circle of knives danced around him. "Bring it, sword freak. I've been wanting to crush you."

"STOP STOP!" Lussuria pushed his way between them, curbing imminent bloodshed. "There's only one way to settle this."

xxxxx

"VOOOOIIII, XANXUS!" Squalo crashed into their boss's office without so much as a knock. "Which do you like better, my enormous sword or Bel's gay-ass knives?"

Xanxus's aim was sure and true. The heavy base of the decanter hit Squalo clean on the forehead and knocked him back into the hallway and onto his ass.

"AND STAY THE HELL OUT, TRASH!"

"Shishishishi," Bel snickered as he shut the door closed. "I TOLD you boss liked mine better."

"Just shut up."

xxxxx

**The End.**

xxxxx

Yeah, I don't know either. I just really wanted to use the title.

xxxxx

November 15, 2008


End file.
